paintedlines

...or is it that when you can finally do things they never seem as fun when you had to be sneaky 'bout it?

Last night I watched the Daily Show, and the Colbert Report like I normally do. Finding myself awake and in no mood to sleep at midnight was no shock, and I had to swap out the laundry anyway, I had reason to stay up for once. So I scanned the guide and ended up watching Logo.

As it turns out I was able to catch The Advocate news magazine . I had been wanting to see it since it launched, but seeing as there is only one digital cable box in the house the chances are slim during normal human operating hours - hence the after 12 viewing . Anyway, it actually wasn't bad. For a network that could so easily slouch into a 24/7 tacky camp fest, it was a good balance of 20/20 style reporting and Entertainment Tonight star-f*cking. Happily it was heavy on the "Barbara Walters" side of things. Plus they interviewed Sandra Bernhard, so it couldn't be all bad.

Yet as I watched, I felt something I really haven't been conscious of for a lone time. I felt as if I was in middle school again. That it was Friday night, the night my parents bowled. My sister and I had the house, but more importantly, the tv. A tv we could watch with out the parents hovering. A tv that had HBO!

There wasn't a Friday night that the Tv didn't glow with the unscrambled glory of channel 5. (After TGIF was over, of course ... "Not the Momma!") Filling our heads with the latest R-rated film, or the newest show like Dream On - this was well before Sex and the City. And if one was really lucky, a Tales from the Crypt , or the crown jewel - Real Sex. And this was back when the series was in the single digits !

I sat there feeling somewhat like that again. And I can't really place it. It wasn't porn. Its wasn't even HBO, which is rather mild these days. It was Logo and The Advocate (which I actually have a subscription to - but thats for another post.) Nothing to be scared or ashamed of. Yet it was late at night, and I found myself turning down the sound not in fear of waking anyone, but almost to make sure they didn't hear what was coming from the screen.

I was up, it was there, and no one was around. It was the setup of old. Maybe it was just the nostalgia of the moment and I just went with it. Maybe there is still some paranoid fear that I haven't really dealt with. But its a good feeling to look back the next morning and know that, while it may have felt like the past, I don't have to live like a middle schooler any more.

My life, unlike the HBO of old, doesn't have to be experienced when no one is around, and while I still maybe cautious with my actions, but I no longer need the pretext of bowling night. The tricky part is testing that concept outside of the confines of my over active skull.

Ah the joys of youth - from the mind of a soon to be 24 year-old.