One day shy of 10; I guess nothing I do comes out even. But here ends the active Road Notebook. Not that the story is over - far from it. Just that for now I'm no longer on the road. I may not have had a laptop with wireless access, but I did have the old-school pen and notebook. So posts from the time that fills day 3 to 8 are on their way.
Who knew that an upheaval in life can spur the urge to blog? But that is a side note to this odd day, on which, I returned home. But it is not that event that I wish to apply over-wrought text to. That will have plenty of page space as I figure that out myself.
But rather a phone call I received, not that long ago - mere hour or so. The Crush finally called back. I call him the Crush, because at one point he was, and to some extent still is. Also due to the fact that part of me feels rather foolish for feeling this way in the first place. I should have know from the beginning that no matter how close I could get he would never really be within reach.
None the less, he got in touch after along stretch, not without my rather consistent txt-ing of him. But I can get away with it, for the most part. Since, I have settled for a friendship, after it was pretty much made clear that there could be nothing more. Sometimes you just have to take what you can get.
So while it was good to hear from him, what he had to say wasn't exactly uplifting, at least for me. He is dating, and more than that had moved in with the new beau. A lot seems to happen in the periods of radio silence that pass between us. And while I'm happy for him, I also can't help but hate him just a tiny bit.
This after recalling rants about how dating is pointless. How while he likes guys, he is still drawn to girls to an extent. How he doesn't see himself with a guy in the long term, as he would see the same situation with a girl. Borderline bi/gay boys seem so much more trouble than they are worth. Mentally one way, physically another. But there he is, doing all the things he railed against.
I can't begrudge him happiness. My place as his friend, in whatever capacity that is, I have never really seen where I fit in - but thats another issue, wont let me. I guess it comes down to the fact that you never really totally get over a crush. Once you have had any sort of taste its hard to let go. Then there is that tiny amount of guilt you feel for wishing that you could insert yourself into the competition's place.
But I really shouldn't be surprised, as I noted at the start, nothing seems to fall even around me, by my own doing or not. Two of my friend's lives are on highs as mine plumbs new lows. If anything, at least I can see the irony, and it wont get the best of me.
So I have my phone call, no matter what the content, at least he still called. Now if only I have the will to not txt him anymore, well at least the non-pestering kind. As it is considered the general rule that friends back off a new-ish relationship. Although this is more to prove a point to myself. That he still thinks of me as a friend without occasion reminder of my cellular existence.
Yes, its is selfish, I don't deny that. But it may be what I need to finally let go of the Crush. To know that there is no longer a space where I used to fit into his life, if I ever did, not just in passing.
To think I thought I had a shot after running into each other four years ago, after passing each other in the halls long before that. Yet another reason I think fondly of October, not just for Halloween. All the time we spent hanging out in the months that followed - although looking back, that might have not have been for the best, as I sit from this perspective. Oh well, as they say, the past is the past.
So here's to seeing things happen that you thought, or in some cases - where told, never could. Some things are just out of reach. In the end I guess you just have to settle for an obstructed view sometimes, rather than no view at all. Time to take another cold pill and cry myself to sleep.
Is there such a thing as bitter happiness?