I don't have many friends. For years I have labored under the idea that this fact was by choice. Now at the age of 24 I'm beginning to think that it is really a matter of me. In so much, as it not being a consciously controlled goal.
I regular refer to myself as odd, mostly for the sake of sarcasm or tonal effect. The kicker is, maybe that is closer to reality. I may be odd, but not in the way of:
One of these things is not like the other
But, odd in how I approach and interact with others. Not to say any of this is bad, it has just become more apparent as part of me, like it or not. Its hard to really verbalize. In the end it may just be an extension of my habit of grasping tightly on to the little things in my life that I know I can control. No matter if they have any relevance in the long term.
To be cliche, its almost as if I am a pinball. Every collision is a relationship with a person, be good it, or bad. But, as if to buffer impact, I change my personality and demeanor to suit, or what I think will suit, the target I'm about to hit.
These changes then guide all future interactions and have no baring on changes made from other impacts. Each relationship exists on its own plane. Strictly segmented.
Some collisions result in life long friendships, others passing acquaintances or pure hate. Some are merely crushes. Then, adding time and another impact the crush morphs to acquaintance, and/or back again. Always in flux.
But sometimes the planes merge and there is more than one impact and reaction to deal with. This, as my experience has taught me, is never good. The preexisting guidelines over lap from the past impacts - it basically f*cks with my head.
Maybe I'm just odd. Maybe I think too much. Maybe its just how I cope. Maybe its just an excuse not to cope. Maybe I live too much of life from within my own head. Maybe its my friends that make it worth pondering at all.
Then again, I spoke at length with one about cloning, organ regeneration, tampering with nature, how in playing god or just being careless with science or our own bodies, humanity may wipe itself out. Nothing with clear answers or out comes - other than cerebral palsy (Spastic Diplegia) not being genetic.
Odd, don't you think?