I am once again going to attempt this thing they call blogg'n. Failing twice before, I have decide that this blog will finally have a theme. To be more exact, a lack of one. Every time I try to write, and be topical in some scope, it burns out.
So random will be the nature of this blog. I ironically that was the original intent, but, as with all previous tries - it died. It is with that in mind that my 1st real post of the year looks back at the one that has just past. If anything, the last year has been the definition of random.
I started the year lost. That would be the best way to put it. I just don't know what to do next with my life. It is this mode that I drifted into the year and subsequently bounced from event to event.
Radical tangents seem to mark the beginning - from my mothers double knee replacement to a trip to Disney World and the birth of my niece while I was in the middle of the "Happiest Place on Earth". Three very distinct events that all marked me differently.
First, I was put in a position of taking care of my mother for the first time. As I have said in this very space, this was a complete reversal of what had been my past. But more than that, upon reflection, it hit me that despite my mental place, we are all getting older. The question then becomes: am I really ready for all that comes with it.
Disney, in many ways, proved to be a counterpoint. While the adult side of both Tim and I came to the realization that we are fully capable of more than just road trips into neighboring states (that hate us) - the destination was pure escapism. Once there, all feeling of responsibility basically get swept away and you enjoy being part of the "magic" aka the Disney tourism machine that moves you from ride to ride, park to park, and cash from wallet to the register.
It may seem silly but this was probably one of the most important trips I have ever taken, and it had very little to do with the destination. Although I would be remiss if I didn't not admit that I had a blast. The main point being, however shaky my friendship with Tim has been or whatever comes in the future, that friendship will always be there. Hell, he feels more like family than some cousins do at this point, and that is one of the few things in my life I am finally sure of. I really don't know what it was in the week that solidified it for me. But in the end, that is what I took away from the trip. Well that, a neck full of pins, a Beaker t-shirt and credit card debit.
While I was down there, another event occurred that hit me hard, but this is one that I could pin point. The birth of my niece, Crista. As I went on a baby spending spree at the most expensive park in the USA, I was actually sorta saddened. Part of me knows I'm more or less predestined to always be someones "Uncle" and nothing more. Maybe that will be enough, but as with most things, time will tell It seems that every highpoint has to have that emotional flip side.
The "in between times" - the spaces between personal events, where you view and encounter the lives of others, but otherwise have little effect on the subject - were no more calm. Two friends came out while one went way.
One of the many joys of the Information Age is the infectious spread of data. Any page can be the vector and any communication stream can be the carrier. Bouncing from site to site person to person till it reaches an interested party. It seem there is no better medium for my generation than Myspace - my own personal dislike aside. This exceedingly ugly profile site played a part in the outing of two friends: one passive, one active.
The first was Brenda. Tim had come across her profile late one night and though txt conveyed his shock. This peaked my own curiosity and forced my hand in finally signing up for a profile of my own. Not only out and proud, she is, last I checked, engaged. For as progressive as I claim to be, I had always had an issue with putting my sexuality into profiles. I don't know if it was fear or for the sake of self insulation. But after seeing hers and after getting in touch after so long, if only by email - I finally checked that box to post that fact for the public record that the net has become.
One simple step on my part, lead to one of the oddest chats I have ever had on AIM in my life. I had not talked (chat) with Vicky for sometime. I still considered her a friend although we hadn't seen each other face to face in year. The net provided a bridge for the occasional conversation and connection. But while touching base a few month prior she has summarily dismissed my excitement over finally being able to drive. Basically saying that it really didn't matter, she lived downtown and didn't need a car - she didn't really care. That began the radio silence, since nine times out of ten I was the one that IM'd her. Frankly, I was pissed, while yes, to most people driving seems trivial, this was a major milestone for me.
Then, one day, out of nowhere a box with her screen name popped up...
We have something in common
It is not much of a surprise to say I was taken back by this simple statement on her part. Beyond the fact that it has been so long, it was random and vague. But it was my simple act of clicking that check box to "gay" that brought it about. And while I will admit I was most shocked by Vicky than Brenda, on a selfish note, I'm glad to know I wasn't the only one playing an private emotional shell game back when we all had classes together. But one has to wonder if those schools days would have been easier if we could had been honest with ourselves and each other.
In another school days related note, I lost a great friend and teacher this year. Thought the years there have always been people in my life that have greatly influenced me, and as such I hold these people in very high regard. In terms of schooling there have been few, but the short list is Mrs. LoPresti, Mrs. Schmidt, and Ms. Fortino. But sadly the first of the three, Mrs. Lo passed this year. With her gone that part of my life seems to sink farther away, but I will never forget her and the mark she left on my life, and to cherish the connections I still have.
For lack of a better place, I'm ending part one, (aka the first half) here. Overly long winded posts never turn out well. And a day or two to think over the net section can't hurt, since it all goes down hill from here.
It always looks the worst from the edge of the cliff.