It might be a personality flaw, but I can be guarded to a very extreme end. Nowhere is this more apparent than when I am thrown into social situations with unknown variables. More than being a wall flower - I am the wall. I want to be there only to the extent that I can observe and my presence is acknowledged as a given but not a factor in of the social interaction.
I watch and absorb. It takes on the form of a reconnaissance mission. Calculation of when and if I can enter the fray, if I should feel so inclined. Otherwise I'm perfectly happy to play the silent type. I think most people would be shocked at what they say with actions than words.
Now this isn't a constant. Once I know a person it can be down right impossible to shut me up. This has long plagued my friends. They see two very different personalities; public and private. A social bi-polar disorder? A need for obsessive control of first impressions? A deeply rooted mess of personal insecurity that teeters on the brink of exposure? The fear of ridicule and mockery? Maybe I'm just quiet at first? I don't truly know.
In some ways it could just be a reaction to feeling like a third wheel, or the odd man out. The one piece that never feels like he fits the puzzle being put together at the moment. The simple solution: remove yourself before the others notice the incongruency. Retreat to that safe distance and observe.
But as with all things in my life, glaring contradictions seem to arise. The sum total of words I have spoke towards those that Tim has dated over the years will likely measure less than the total amount of words used here, that will result in this post by the time I finish. That is, until now.
There could be many factors as to why I didn't feel the need to lapse into recon mode around Kelly. The fact that I had known of her, and had been around her at the bar, could be one. Or the major fact that I don't see her going anytime soon. Since technically, she has jumped from his girlfriend to fiancee. It probably also helps that, I think, she is the first one to actually like me.
So I have no problem talking with her and being open and honest about myself. My sarcastic inner-smart ass seems to pair well with her own humor. That little voice that usually tells me to hold back all but falls asleep. I rarely, if ever, even skirt around the "gay-er" parts. Which, by my own review seems rather unlike me, considering the short length of actually being around one another. She seems interested, and in a rather selfish admittance, I don't mind. It becomes an outlet to express a side of my thoughts, knowledge, and self that generally get packed up a pushed to the back shelf in everyday suburban life.
Although I do consider her a friend. I have to wonder: where is that line drawn that I can't cross. To imply nothing vulgar, but only in terms of my friendship with Tim. Since, in reality, my relationship to her is only a function of my long-standing friendship with him.
If a topic is not one commonly broached with Tim, is that similarly out of bounds with Kelly? I am more than keenly aware what can set him off or shut him down, or just start to make him uncomfortable. The irony being, that Kelly's curiosities can and have been in direct opposition with these triggers.
Oh the conflict. While Kelly and I seem get along, the vague feeling of being that misshaped puzzle piece still lingers. And it is obvious why - they fit together. Thats leave me the third wheel again, the piece that doesn't fit. Common scene would say: treat it like three friends. The truth is, when you do the social math, they result in a neat and tidy whole number, and I hang there as the ungainly remainder. Nothing new here, nor is it upsetting. It is the nature of such things.
In the end its is about striking the right balance. I have yet to know my place in this totally untrodden social dynamic, if I even have one in the long run. I fear this to be a messy endeavor, in that, the only way to map the borders is to hit a few nerves to see where, and how deep they are buried. A task I inadvertently stumbled into tonight. With a conversation that covered topics as wide ranging as the personal politics of government and the role of social safety nets and dole, to Disney parks, to gays, to gays at Disney parks to music, 80's music, gays in music to the legal issues around pot, ensuing disagreements, abortion and libertarian principles. Some of these asides ending with clearer stances and resolutions than others.
All the while, either drinking Eat 'n Park coffee, or wishing I had more in my system for the ride home, and the latter part of the conversations. And here I thought it was going to be a fun little night at a West Virginia casino. These moments are never as simple as you think they are. I lost more than $35 tonight - I may have lost my guard, if only temporarily.
Why do I suddenly wish I could drop back and be that wall? Would it have been better had I said nothing at all? Just watch over the rim of my coffee cup from the start, as I have so many times before.
I'm out of my element and caffeine.